a constant battle...

my closet has not been

a fun place to visit over the last

couple of years.

i am squishy right now.

very squishy.

i have not worn a tank top the last

two summers because my arms

are goo!

the muscle tone that i used to work 

very hard for is gone. 

very gone.

and i am feeling so defeated.

i have never ever been the skinny girl.

i've never been the huge girl either.

i've always been "thick," "curvy,"

"big boned."

whatever term u want to use

to say not skinny nicely.

even though, i've never been super thin,

i realize now that my body was always okay.

i have struggled with self esteem for a long time.

when it comes to my body and my weight.

i've never been satisfied.

or content. 

now, i look back at pictures of me

during times when i thought i was big,

and realize that i looked fine.

that all those things i thought existed,

didn't. 

but now, i know,

something has got to give.

i have always been one to work out.

there have been rare times in my life,

when i ate completely unhealthy.

in fact, when i have something that i know

i shouldn't eat, i think about it a million times.

i feel so guilty.

but right now,

i have not worked out

consistently since before my wedding.

for the most part,

i don't eat bad but i haven't also been

consistently eating good either.

and to be honest, 

thinking about all of it exhausts me.

i am so so so so so so so tired

of thinking about my weight,

and working out, and eating.

i'm so so so so tired of worrying about

my weight and my body and my size.

i am. i am over it.

i wish we could just all be whatever

freaking size and it would be okay.

however, that's not the case.

i am uncomfortable with myself right now.

i am the biggest i have ever been,

size and weight wise.

i hate it.

i miss being able to throw on cute outfits.

i miss wanting to get dressed up

and to be fashionable.

i am determined to make a change.

to really make a change.

to quit saying i'm gonna start running again

and to just start and not stop.

i am determined to get healthy,

and then to appreciate the body that i work for.

not to nit pick.

not to tear myself apart because i'm not perfect.

but to just appreciate me, healthy.

shane wants to take a trip to 

the dominican republic in june and 

i would love to be comfortable in my own skin.

i want to do this for me.

not for anyone else.

i just wanna feel good

and not so squishy.

sorry for the uber personal post

but i needed to get it out there.

and maybe posting about it will

make me feel more accountable

and make someone else feel like they

are not alone.

i know that helps me.

to know that everyone falls down.

what matters is getting back up.

and back on that treadmill.

everyday.

wish me luck.

ash...