my closet has not been
a fun place to visit over the last
couple of years.
i am squishy right now.
i have not worn a tank top the last
two summers because my arms
the muscle tone that i used to work
very hard for is gone.
and i am feeling so defeated.
i have never ever been the skinny girl.
i've never been the huge girl either.
i've always been "thick," "curvy,"
whatever term u want to use
to say not skinny nicely.
even though, i've never been super thin,
i realize now that my body was always okay.
i have struggled with self esteem for a long time.
when it comes to my body and my weight.
i've never been satisfied.
now, i look back at pictures of me
during times when i thought i was big,
and realize that i looked fine.
that all those things i thought existed,
but now, i know,
something has got to give.
i have always been one to work out.
there have been rare times in my life,
when i ate completely unhealthy.
in fact, when i have something that i know
i shouldn't eat, i think about it a million times.
i feel so guilty.
but right now,
i have not worked out
consistently since before my wedding.
for the most part,
i don't eat bad but i haven't also been
consistently eating good either.
and to be honest,
thinking about all of it exhausts me.
i am so so so so so so so tired
of thinking about my weight,
and working out, and eating.
i'm so so so so tired of worrying about
my weight and my body and my size.
i am. i am over it.
i wish we could just all be whatever
freaking size and it would be okay.
however, that's not the case.
i am uncomfortable with myself right now.
i am the biggest i have ever been,
size and weight wise.
i hate it.
i miss being able to throw on cute outfits.
i miss wanting to get dressed up
and to be fashionable.
i am determined to make a change.
to really make a change.
to quit saying i'm gonna start running again
and to just start and not stop.
i am determined to get healthy,
and then to appreciate the body that i work for.
not to nit pick.
not to tear myself apart because i'm not perfect.
but to just appreciate me, healthy.
shane wants to take a trip to
the dominican republic in june and
i would love to be comfortable in my own skin.
i want to do this for me.
not for anyone else.
i just wanna feel good
and not so squishy.
sorry for the uber personal post
but i needed to get it out there.
and maybe posting about it will
make me feel more accountable
and make someone else feel like they
are not alone.
i know that helps me.
to know that everyone falls down.
what matters is getting back up.
and back on that treadmill.
wish me luck.