Friday, December 28, 2012

a constant battle...

my closet has not been
a fun place to visit over the last
couple of years.
i am squishy right now.
very squishy.
i have not worn a tank top the last
two summers because my arms
are goo!
the muscle tone that i used to work 
very hard for is gone. 
very gone.
and i am feeling so defeated.

i have never ever been the skinny girl.
i've never been the huge girl either.
i've always been "thick," "curvy,"
"big boned."
whatever term u want to use
to say not skinny nicely.
even though, i've never been super thin,
i realize now that my body was always okay.

i have struggled with self esteem for a long time.
when it comes to my body and my weight.
i've never been satisfied.
or content. 
now, i look back at pictures of me
during times when i thought i was big,
and realize that i looked fine.
that all those things i thought existed,
but now, i know,
something has got to give.

i have always been one to work out.
there have been rare times in my life,
when i ate completely unhealthy.
in fact, when i have something that i know
i shouldn't eat, i think about it a million times.
i feel so guilty.

but right now,
i have not worked out
consistently since before my wedding.
for the most part,
i don't eat bad but i haven't also been
consistently eating good either.
and to be honest, 
thinking about all of it exhausts me.
i am so so so so so so so tired
of thinking about my weight,
and working out, and eating.
i'm so so so so tired of worrying about
my weight and my body and my size.
i am. i am over it.
i wish we could just all be whatever
freaking size and it would be okay.
however, that's not the case.

i am uncomfortable with myself right now.
i am the biggest i have ever been,
size and weight wise.
i hate it.
i miss being able to throw on cute outfits.
i miss wanting to get dressed up
and to be fashionable.

i am determined to make a change.
to really make a change.
to quit saying i'm gonna start running again
and to just start and not stop.
i am determined to get healthy,
and then to appreciate the body that i work for.
not to nit pick.
not to tear myself apart because i'm not perfect.
but to just appreciate me, healthy.

shane wants to take a trip to 
the dominican republic in june and 
i would love to be comfortable in my own skin.

i want to do this for me.
not for anyone else.
i just wanna feel good
and not so squishy.

sorry for the uber personal post
but i needed to get it out there.
and maybe posting about it will
make me feel more accountable
and make someone else feel like they
are not alone.
i know that helps me.
to know that everyone falls down.
what matters is getting back up.
and back on that treadmill.

wish me luck.


  1. The key is health. Looking good is great, but any shape/weight/size can be healthy or unhealthy. You have a loving husband, family, and group of friends. They want you around for a long time. Best wishes!

  2. I know exactly what you mean... I too have blogged about it this week, I've said it all so many times and yet, the pounds keep coming on and I have done nothing to fix it.... I am with you on this one, 2013 will be the one that I am once again comfortable in my skin. I have never, in my whole life had to ever worry about my weight, until this chronic pain took life inside of me, I am taking control again.... gotta do it, for no one but myself and my health..Wishing you luck, as hoping you send me some too! love you ash!