Friday, December 28, 2012

a constant battle...


my closet has not been
a fun place to visit over the last
couple of years.
i am squishy right now.
very squishy.
i have not worn a tank top the last
two summers because my arms
are goo!
the muscle tone that i used to work 
very hard for is gone. 
very gone.
and i am feeling so defeated.

i have never ever been the skinny girl.
i've never been the huge girl either.
i've always been "thick," "curvy,"
"big boned."
whatever term u want to use
to say not skinny nicely.
even though, i've never been super thin,
i realize now that my body was always okay.

i have struggled with self esteem for a long time.
when it comes to my body and my weight.
i've never been satisfied.
or content. 
now, i look back at pictures of me
during times when i thought i was big,
and realize that i looked fine.
that all those things i thought existed,
didn't. 
but now, i know,
something has got to give.

i have always been one to work out.
there have been rare times in my life,
when i ate completely unhealthy.
in fact, when i have something that i know
i shouldn't eat, i think about it a million times.
i feel so guilty.

but right now,
i have not worked out
consistently since before my wedding.
for the most part,
i don't eat bad but i haven't also been
consistently eating good either.
and to be honest, 
thinking about all of it exhausts me.
i am so so so so so so so tired
of thinking about my weight,
and working out, and eating.
i'm so so so so tired of worrying about
my weight and my body and my size.
i am. i am over it.
i wish we could just all be whatever
freaking size and it would be okay.
however, that's not the case.

i am uncomfortable with myself right now.
i am the biggest i have ever been,
size and weight wise.
i hate it.
i miss being able to throw on cute outfits.
i miss wanting to get dressed up
and to be fashionable.

i am determined to make a change.
to really make a change.
to quit saying i'm gonna start running again
and to just start and not stop.
i am determined to get healthy,
and then to appreciate the body that i work for.
not to nit pick.
not to tear myself apart because i'm not perfect.
but to just appreciate me, healthy.

shane wants to take a trip to 
the dominican republic in june and 
i would love to be comfortable in my own skin.

i want to do this for me.
not for anyone else.
i just wanna feel good
and not so squishy.

sorry for the uber personal post
but i needed to get it out there.
and maybe posting about it will
make me feel more accountable
and make someone else feel like they
are not alone.
i know that helps me.
to know that everyone falls down.
what matters is getting back up.
and back on that treadmill.
everyday.

wish me luck.
ash...

2 comments:

  1. The key is health. Looking good is great, but any shape/weight/size can be healthy or unhealthy. You have a loving husband, family, and group of friends. They want you around for a long time. Best wishes!

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  2. I know exactly what you mean... I too have blogged about it this week, I've said it all so many times and yet, the pounds keep coming on and I have done nothing to fix it.... I am with you on this one, 2013 will be the one that I am once again comfortable in my skin. I have never, in my whole life had to ever worry about my weight, until this chronic pain took life inside of me, I am taking control again.... gotta do it, for no one but myself and my health..Wishing you luck, as hoping you send me some too! love you ash!

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