Tuesday, February 7, 2017

a letter to my daughter: one year in

my dearest scarlett mirabella,

i'm sitting here the night before your birthday
thinking about how quickly this year went by.
i have so much to say to you after this first year together.
i'm not even sure where to start.
it's hard for me to gather these thoughts
and put them in some kind of order
that makes sense.
i will do my best to put all these 
big, giant feelings into words
so that, one day, when you're older, you can read this.

before you even existed,
i wanted you so so badly.
i yearned for you for so long, 
deep in my soul.
there was a hole there.
meant for you to fill.

i had dreams about you.
every time i dreamed about you,
you would run into my bedroom
with your strawberry blonde hair
and big, huge blue eyes
and you would jump into my bed and belly laugh.
every time i would have that dream,
my heart would fall in love with you,
with the idea of you.

when it seemed like hope was lost
or that you would never get here,
i would hold on to those dreams.
i would trust that those were glimpses from god
of the beautiful girl that would eventually be mine.

when i found out you were in my belly,
i was overwhelmed with emotion.
i was so thrilled and so scared and so ready to meet you.
every day i would lay hands on my belly
and send up prayers to god.
i prayed so many prayers over you before
you were even here.
i prayed for your health, your happiness,
your future.
i prayed for my ability to mother you.
i prayed for god's will in your life.

from the moment you were born,
you were wide eyed and ready to take on this world.
the minute i met you it felt like i had known you a lifetime.
like our souls had been connecting
for years.
you were always supposed to be mine.
and i was created to be your mom.

after much prayer,
i felt like god was calling me to quit my job
and to stay home and take care of you.
so, this year, it's been me and you.
every day.
it has been the most fulfilling, amazing, life changing year
filled with so much growth for the both of us.
you have changed me baby girl.
you have changed me for the better.

before you,
i was never really satisfied.
it seemed like there was always something missing from life.
before you,
i didn't know my purpose.
i didn't know who i was in god.
before you,
i had no idea the capacity i had for loving.
i had no idea that love could be so deep and so crippling.
before you,
i wasn't quite me.

you are beautiful.
those big, huge baby blue eyes
with those long eyelashes are so uniquely gorgeous
and the way they squint up when you smile
makes me wanna squeeze you.
you have the most perfect little nose.
your smile is enough to melt
even the hardest heart.
and that hair.
it started off as barely there and
now it's growing in to be thick and the most
precious strawberry blonde.

your personality is one of a kind.
you are just the right mix of feisty and sweet.
you have so much sass in all the best ways.
you're funny.
like so so funny.
you can already make me laugh until my stomach hurts.
you have a sweetness about your little spirit.
and something about you feels untamable,
which i love.
there is a will in you that is stronger
than even mine.
it's a beautiful thing that i hope to cultivate
in all the best ways.
you are going to move mountains scarlett.

you are such a social butterfly.
you wave to everyone you come in contact with.
you will do whatever it takes to get a wave or a smile back.
i already see such a love for others in you.
you are going to do so much for the kingdom of god.
you have such a call on your life.
you are going to love the heck out of the broken.
your smile and kindness will heal so many wounded spirits.

i wish i could keep your innocence just how it is.
right now.

you love yourself.
you will look in the mirror
and kiss that sweet face and say "awe"
over and over again.
remember how to be gentle with yourself.
remember how beautiful i always think you are.
how beautiful god thinks you are.
see past any flaws and look inside yourself
for all the beautiful things your heavenly father
has placed there.
you are so rare and so precious my girl.

keep loving people.
don't let the world make you hard.
remember to stop for one second
and consider the fact that most
are going through things you haven't walked.
be gentle with them.
try to see others the way god sees them.
they are all his children.
and they could always use just a little more love.

stay fearless.
fear is not of god.
don't be ridden with anxiety or worry.
let god's peace overwhelm you.
let your soul rest in him.
every day of your life was written in his book
before you were even formed in my belly.
he knows the end from the beginning.
rest in that.
believe in that.
let him hold you and guide you.
just trust him 
and his perfect plan.

fall in love with god.
he is so good.
his love is unconditional and relentless.
his love covers a multitude of sin.
he will never leave you empty
or wanting anything more.
his love satisfies.
it heals.
it never ever ends.
soak it up.
let it fill you.
let it be the source of your strength
and the pursuit of your heart.

thank you baby girl.
thank you for teaching me about selflessness.
i never thought i could be so satisfied
by never, not once, thinking of my self.
thank you for showing me grace.
you have loved me since day one no matter
my shortcomings, my mistakes, or my flaws.
thank you for making my days so full.
being with you is the absolute most wonderful
feeling in the world.

i miss you when you're asleep.
i miss you when you aren't here.

thank you for all of the beautiful challenges
you threw my way these past 12 months.
they taught me only to rely on the lord
and his strength.
they taught me to have faith.
to know that god's plan is better than mine.
they taught me that i am not in control.
and that that's okay.

i want you to know i tried.
no matter how old you get
or how you turn out,
i will always try.
i will give you my all,
my everything,
my last breath, if ever necessary.
i will give you my best.
i may not be perfect
but i will love you like no other.
i will always be on your side.
when you are hurt,
when you are broken,
when you are overwhelmed,
when you are exhausted,
you come running to me.
i will be here with these arms wide open.
my love is completely unconditional.
it's so big.
there's no controlling it.

we are only a year in and i know this much,
i want a lifetime with you.
even that, is not enough.
i couldn't have imagined you better.
i couldn't have dreamed for a better life,
a better everyday with you.
my heart is so full being your mom.
remember that on our bad days.
i don't wanna be anywhere else.

i thank god for choosing me.
i'm so glad i get to be yours 
for the days,
the nights,
the smiles,
the laughs, 
the tears,
the tantrums,
the sicknesses,
the health, 
the holidays,
the big things,
and the little.

happy happy birthday to the one who holds my heart.
to my best friend.
my baby girl.
my life's greatest work.

it has been the most amazing ride.
i can not wait to see who you become in this life.
i can not wait to watch your story unfold.

stay kind. stay wild. stay you.

all my love,

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