another one bites the dust...

so when i was about a month and a half pregnant

for scarlett i tried my first whole 30.

by the time 10pm rolled around the first day,

i had made my way through the mcdonalds drive thru

for fries and a coke

and i had failed.

this time,

i decided to give whole 30 another try.

day one was awful.

i hated the way the coffee tasted

and didn't drink it.

by 2pm i was miserable from no caffeine.

i was tired as heck, felt foggy, and was as grouchy as can be.

i forgot to feed scarlett i was so out of it.

and my fuse with her was very short.

by 4:30 i realized i didn't have an ingredient

for the pork chops for supper that i needed

and i couldn't bring scarlett to rouses

for the third time that day.

cue the meltdown.

me.

i had a full blown meltdown.

i had nothing compliant ready for supper.

i didn't have the dumb ingredient

even after being to rouses twice that day

and i had never cooked pork chops in my life.

so, not being able to follow the recipe

freaked me out because what the heck else do i do.

and i do not like failure.

i do not like mistakes.

i automatically think extremes.

you're a terrible mother.

a terrible wife.

a terrible cook.

a terrible whole 30er.

i wanted to quit so badly.

shane came home.

chilled me out.

cooked supper.

day 2.

i did good all day and then was like you know what,

why am i doing this.

i got a cherry coke zero and 

failed.

again.

another one bites the dust.

here are my thoughts.

first.

those of you who complete a whole 30.

you rock.

seriously.

it's awesome that you can live under such strict constraints.

if you do all your own shopping, and cooking, and prepping.

wow. my hat goes off to you.

it is a lot.

it is so labor intensive and if you are doing all of this

with a job and a kid or multiple kids,

a statue should be erected in your honor.

seriously kudos to you.

me.

i can't hang.

and to be honest,

i don't want to.

after i failed today i started praying.

god, why can't i succeed at this.

i usually can do anything i want to.

i am usually determined for success.

what is my problem.

and it all became clear.

i don't want to succeed at this.

it's not that important to me.

see my girl, my baby girl,

she is absolutely number one to me.

she's really the only thing on the list right now.

the only priority.

and that's what i am worried about

succeeding at.

my list has just changed so much.

and devoting all this time to a diet

and to an eating lifestyle,

it's just not for me.

i know most of you are rolling your eyes

and thinking i only gave it two days

and it will get easier

and you do it with 46 kids, 3 dogs, 2 jobs, 

and during a kitchen renovation.

and i will say good for you.

but that ain't me.

i'd rather be spending time on a unicorn bday party.

i'd rather be building a puzzle.

i'd rather be kissing some baby toes.

i don't want to be at rouses looking for coconut aminos.

i just don't.

do i need to lose weight?

absolutely.

would i feel better if i were more fit

and in better shape?

yes.

do i need to start making better choices?

uh huh.

but for me,

i can do that in other ways.

a friend and i were talking tonight about the pressure

of social media with this whole whole 30 thing.

lots of people in our lives are doing it or have done it

and you tend to start to feel like you aren't good enough

if you aren't doing it.

you start to feel like even if you are making healthy

changes, if they aren't whole 30, they aren't enough.

i can't live like that.

this is me.

i'm a little chubby.

i don't like cooking.

i don't like grocery shopping.

i want easy and thought free.

i have some other good qualities

and i am going to drop some lbs

it just won't be on the whole 30 bandwagon

and it won't be under loads of pressure

and it may be a little slower.

and i'm okay with that.

my life is so different now

and i'm adjusting to the many changes

that have taken place this year

and i really love my day to day here.

i'm good where i'm at.

i'm determined to be less pudgy

and because i want that

and i want to succeed,

i will.

it will just be in an easier, less painless way.

so…

another one bites the dust.

and oh, i am so looking forward to drinking

my coffee normal tomorrow,

except now i'm switching to sugar free creamer.

i feel like that counts for something.

ash...