Tuesday, January 17, 2017

another one bites the dust...

so when i was about a month and a half pregnant
for scarlett i tried my first whole 30.
by the time 10pm rolled around the first day,
i had made my way through the mcdonalds drive thru
for fries and a coke
and i had failed.

this time,
i decided to give whole 30 another try.

day one was awful.
i hated the way the coffee tasted
and didn't drink it.
by 2pm i was miserable from no caffeine.
i was tired as heck, felt foggy, and was as grouchy as can be.
i forgot to feed scarlett i was so out of it.
and my fuse with her was very short.

by 4:30 i realized i didn't have an ingredient
for the pork chops for supper that i needed
and i couldn't bring scarlett to rouses
for the third time that day.
cue the meltdown.

i had a full blown meltdown.
i had nothing compliant ready for supper.
i didn't have the dumb ingredient
even after being to rouses twice that day
and i had never cooked pork chops in my life.
so, not being able to follow the recipe
freaked me out because what the heck else do i do.

and i do not like failure.
i do not like mistakes.
i automatically think extremes.

you're a terrible mother.
a terrible wife.
a terrible cook.
a terrible whole 30er.

i wanted to quit so badly.
shane came home.
chilled me out.
cooked supper.

day 2.
i did good all day and then was like you know what,
why am i doing this.
i got a cherry coke zero and 

another one bites the dust.

here are my thoughts.

those of you who complete a whole 30.
you rock.
it's awesome that you can live under such strict constraints.
if you do all your own shopping, and cooking, and prepping.
wow. my hat goes off to you.
it is a lot.
it is so labor intensive and if you are doing all of this
with a job and a kid or multiple kids,
a statue should be erected in your honor.
seriously kudos to you.

i can't hang.
and to be honest,
i don't want to.

after i failed today i started praying.
god, why can't i succeed at this.
i usually can do anything i want to.
i am usually determined for success.
what is my problem.

and it all became clear.
i don't want to succeed at this.
it's not that important to me.

see my girl, my baby girl,
she is absolutely number one to me.
she's really the only thing on the list right now.
the only priority.
and that's what i am worried about
succeeding at.

my list has just changed so much.
and devoting all this time to a diet
and to an eating lifestyle,
it's just not for me.

i know most of you are rolling your eyes
and thinking i only gave it two days
and it will get easier
and you do it with 46 kids, 3 dogs, 2 jobs, 
and during a kitchen renovation.
and i will say good for you.
but that ain't me.

i'd rather be spending time on a unicorn bday party.
i'd rather be building a puzzle.
i'd rather be kissing some baby toes.
i don't want to be at rouses looking for coconut aminos.
i just don't.

do i need to lose weight?
would i feel better if i were more fit
and in better shape?
do i need to start making better choices?
uh huh.

but for me,
i can do that in other ways.

a friend and i were talking tonight about the pressure
of social media with this whole whole 30 thing.

lots of people in our lives are doing it or have done it
and you tend to start to feel like you aren't good enough
if you aren't doing it.
you start to feel like even if you are making healthy
changes, if they aren't whole 30, they aren't enough.

i can't live like that.
this is me.
i'm a little chubby.
i don't like cooking.
i don't like grocery shopping.
i want easy and thought free.

i have some other good qualities
and i am going to drop some lbs
it just won't be on the whole 30 bandwagon
and it won't be under loads of pressure
and it may be a little slower.

and i'm okay with that.

my life is so different now
and i'm adjusting to the many changes
that have taken place this year
and i really love my day to day here.

i'm good where i'm at.

i'm determined to be less pudgy
and because i want that
and i want to succeed,
i will.

it will just be in an easier, less painless way.
another one bites the dust.

and oh, i am so looking forward to drinking
my coffee normal tomorrow,
except now i'm switching to sugar free creamer.

i feel like that counts for something.



  1. Girl any diet that tells me I can't have coffee, and good coffee, isn't for me. I tried the Whole 30 and the Advocare 24 Day challange (both want you to drink coffee that is black, just like how my soul feels when I'm on a diet)
    All of my friends do them and seem to make it look effortless and fun, well nope not for me! Its not failure its just maybe thats not the journey that you should be taking at this time. You will find your way, don't give up!

  2. My sweet lil Momma, how I miss our conversations, I would tell you, "F all that 30 stuff. your hubby loves you, your baby loves you, you family loves you, and no one loves 30 whatever... your little Scarlett, you are the most important part of her world right now and that lasts for such a short time, Remember what I used to say, "I am going to loose weight, look hot, then walk in front of an 18 wheeler and get killed then look hot in my casket, ain't worth it" You will loose when you are ready and it don't have to be the 30 whatever the heck that is.... I have extra pounds after never having to worry about that stuff most of my life, yeah, it bothers me but shoot, dating is so much fun, free meals, meeting new people.... its life, Ash, you live yours the way you want because, believe me, other than you, everyone loves you just like you are, especially you Boo and your baby girl, love you! Lil

  3. Oh and pork chops, no ingredients needed, the chops, a skillet and a half stick of butter, put them in the pan let them brown, add lil water when gets sticky, ten minutes later, done, open a box of potatoes a gratin, whip that up and supper done in less than 30. Best chops and no recipe needed, oh and another, put chops in a shallow baking pan, salt pepper, pour a coke on top of them and bake for 30 to 40 minutes on whatever temp, around 350, soon good! Throw away those recipes, lol