life makes no sense...

we've been friends for a long time.

a really long time.

as far back as my memories go,

she is there.

our moms used to tell us that,

sometimes, we had to be apart.

they used to say that we couldn't

always expect to be together.

i never understood that.

we were better together.

as kids we used to talk about

who we would marry,

where we would live,

the babies we would have.

let's just say there were lots of 

MASH games.

as we got older, we grew closer.

we just knew each other,

in and out.

loved each other,

never, ever got tired of each other.

a couple of years ago,

things were said.

not so nice things,

on my part.

we fell apart.

we didn't talk for a while.

it's weird because even when we weren't

speaking, she was still my family.

her family was still my family.

it didn't change the fact that i loved her.

she sent me a text when i got my store

i'll never forget it.

it said, "passed by the store today.

it looks great. you must be excited.

good luck and congratulations."

it was one of the most treasured

messages i ever got.

we immediately started talking again

and it was like we had never stopped.

then, she got pregnant

and we grew even closer.

it was so fun going through that whole

process with her. 

it was one of the things 

we had always talked about.

(except for the fact that the baby's daddy

wasn't her favorite backstreet boy :)

she had the baby good friday

and i was so happy for her

and proud of her.

i knew she was at a place in

her life where everything was

going to be blessed.

the baby is beautiful

and she is excited about

being his mom.

then the most

unexpected chain of events

took place.

she was admitted to 

icu tuesday.

she was put on a ventilator

wednesday.

it's insane to me.

it doesn't make any kind of sense.

it's not fair.

it's crazy. 

we got the house,

shane and i.

yes the house that we lost,

the one that i adore.

we signed the papers wednesday afternoon.

we signed the papers at the exact time

they were putting the ventilator in lin.

the house was so big to me.

such a big deal.

so important.

now, it doesn't matter at all.

yes, i am grateful,

yes, i just want to praise

 god for that blessing.

yes, i want to give him glory.

but, right now,

it's all about her,

and her family,

my family.

making sure they are okay.

making sure she fights.

making sure she knows

how loved she is.

it's great to have your dream house,

but if you can't have your best friend over

to talk and laugh and dream more dreams,

to act completely ridiculous and vent,

what does it matter.

as i've been sitting

in the waiting room these last few days,

i've been thinking about so much.

about those couple of years.

i will admit there is guilt.

so much guilt.

regret.

lots of regret.

i've been thinking of

other relationships in my life that

have slipped.

because of words.

words that hurt.

i've been thinking about 

all the things that matter

and don't.

life makes no sense.

none.

all i know is that god,

and only god, 

is in control.

his ways are 

completely

baffling.

they don't make

 any kind of natural

sense whatsoever.

but they are so perfect

and so precise.

and done for so many

wonderful reasons.

his timing, sucks.

his timing, is perfect.

he will have his way.

he will work all

 things out for the good of

his children and for the greater

purpose of their lives.

he will bring peace 

when there is none.

he will bring strength 

when we are depleted.

he will bring rest in the middle

of chaos.

lin has a calling on her life.

i know the sweet hand of god

is on her. 

i know he loves her and will

take care of her and her family.

i know there is a purpose to this.

she will fight.

she will heal,

in more ways than one.

she will walk out of that

hospital and go home

to that baby and raise him

to be an amazing little man.

and we will both look back

on this and,

it will make sense.

we will see why.

until then, i will pray

and watch her get better

every single day.

ash...