Saturday, April 6, 2013

life makes no sense...

we've been friends for a long time.
a really long time.
as far back as my memories go,
she is there.

our moms used to tell us that,
sometimes, we had to be apart.
they used to say that we couldn't
always expect to be together.

i never understood that.
we were better together.

as kids we used to talk about
who we would marry,
where we would live,
the babies we would have.
let's just say there were lots of 
MASH games.

as we got older, we grew closer.
we just knew each other,
in and out.
loved each other,
never, ever got tired of each other.

a couple of years ago,
things were said.
not so nice things,
on my part.
we fell apart.
we didn't talk for a while.

it's weird because even when we weren't
speaking, she was still my family.
her family was still my family.
it didn't change the fact that i loved her.

she sent me a text when i got my store
i'll never forget it.
it said, "passed by the store today.
it looks great. you must be excited.
good luck and congratulations."
it was one of the most treasured
messages i ever got.

we immediately started talking again
and it was like we had never stopped.

then, she got pregnant
and we grew even closer.
it was so fun going through that whole
process with her. 
it was one of the things 
we had always talked about.
(except for the fact that the baby's daddy
wasn't her favorite backstreet boy :)

she had the baby good friday
and i was so happy for her
and proud of her.
i knew she was at a place in
her life where everything was
going to be blessed.
the baby is beautiful
and she is excited about
being his mom.

then the most
unexpected chain of events
took place.

she was admitted to 
icu tuesday.
she was put on a ventilator

it's insane to me.
it doesn't make any kind of sense.
it's not fair.

it's crazy. 
we got the house,
shane and i.
yes the house that we lost,
the one that i adore.
we signed the papers wednesday afternoon.
we signed the papers at the exact time
they were putting the ventilator in lin.

the house was so big to me.
such a big deal.
so important.
now, it doesn't matter at all.
yes, i am grateful,
yes, i just want to praise
 god for that blessing.
yes, i want to give him glory.

but, right now,
it's all about her,
and her family,
my family.
making sure they are okay.
making sure she fights.
making sure she knows
how loved she is.

it's great to have your dream house,
but if you can't have your best friend over
to talk and laugh and dream more dreams,
to act completely ridiculous and vent,
what does it matter.

as i've been sitting
in the waiting room these last few days,
i've been thinking about so much.
about those couple of years.
i will admit there is guilt.
so much guilt.
lots of regret.

i've been thinking of
other relationships in my life that
have slipped.
because of words.
words that hurt.
i've been thinking about 
all the things that matter
and don't.

life makes no sense.

all i know is that god,
and only god, 
is in control.
his ways are 
they don't make
 any kind of natural
sense whatsoever.
but they are so perfect
and so precise.
and done for so many
wonderful reasons.
his timing, sucks.
his timing, is perfect.
he will have his way.
he will work all
 things out for the good of
his children and for the greater
purpose of their lives.
he will bring peace 
when there is none.
he will bring strength 
when we are depleted.
he will bring rest in the middle
of chaos.

lin has a calling on her life.
i know the sweet hand of god
is on her. 
i know he loves her and will
take care of her and her family.
i know there is a purpose to this.

she will fight.
she will heal,
in more ways than one.
she will walk out of that
hospital and go home
to that baby and raise him
to be an amazing little man.

and we will both look back
on this and,
it will make sense.
we will see why.
until then, i will pray
and watch her get better
every single day.



  1. My sweet, young friend., my heart bleeds for you right now as I read this post, as you sit and hope for your friend to recover and I sit watching my mommy die. I didn't know you guys were still in the running for the house and yet it now all seems for naught.
    Yet, you, like me, we survivors! Things happen in our lives, crazy things, and we wonder " how in the hell did this happen?" Then we take a deep breathe and we lean on the Big Man and then, in the future or in the moment, we figure it out. We are undoubtably optimistic even when things look the bleakest. So, my love, I will pray for the healing of your family, a peaceful death for my Mommy and we will see the beauty in a new house, a grandchild, the spring air... Because it is how our Big Man made us.
    I love you dear friend

  2. O Ash! Your words are so beautiful! I cried reading this! I pray that Lindsey recovers soon.