21 days...

so brace ya selves.

i'm gonna post something 

super personal to me.

for some reason,

i feel like i need to get this out.

maybe someone else needs

to read it,

maybe i just need to

get it off my chest.

maybe i just need to post

it to be more accountable.

our pastor has called a fast for

21 days at our church.

for those of you unfamiliar,

fasting is done as a sacrifice.

it makes our flesh weaker

and our spirit stronger.

some people will fast when

looking for answers,

some will fast as a sacrifice,

some will fast for a breakthrough

spiritually,

etc.

normally,

i will give one thing up

when our church is called to fast.

for example, 

i won't have coke for 21 days.

i usually just pick one thing and 

remove that for the time of fasting.

it's usually up to you what

you will fast from and 

it should be done prayerfully and

with the big man's direction.

this time,

i've decided to fast from

food and do just juice for 21 days.

there are a few reasons

that i have chosen to fast

from food.

one.

because our pastor is

asking it of us and i want to be

obedient to him and what

he is feeling led by god to do.

two.

because i honestly could use

a good cleanse.

i feel like nothin but junk food

and soft drinks and yuck has gone

into my body for the past

three weeks and i need to fuel

it with some good stuff.

three.

(and most importantly)

i need a spiritual breakthrough.

i don't want to completely cut out

food because i've never done that

before and i'm not sure if it would

be the best choice while

teaching kindergarten all day.

juicing would be a huge sacrifice for me.

one of the reasons is it will kill

me not to have coke and starbucks

and food.

another is juicing takes a long

time to actually prepare the juice 

and to do it for that many days 

will be a huge

sacrifice of my time.

i plan on playing some worship

music while i'm juicing

those veggies.

praising and produce.

lol.

i feel that i have to do this.

i'm at a crossroads spiritually.

i don't even know how to explain it.

i need some answers from god.

i need some direction.

i need some encouragement.

i am so hungry for god.

i am so hungry for his will

and his purpose in my life.

i want to be his vessel.

i want him to use me

however he wants.

i am sick of smoke and mirrors.

i am sick of productions.

i am sick of fake.

i need to be a part of god's 

work and HIS purpose.

i need to be used when

and how he wants to use me.

i don't want it to be about me.

i don't want it to be about

pleasing others.

i want it to be about HIM!

i want it to be about his people

and his work!

i am so sick of certain things

that i feel like i will go nuts 

if they don't change

or if i don't change the way

i feel about them.

there are some things

that i just can't make peace with

that i need god to release me from.

he has been putting so many things,

ministry wise,

on my heart these past 6 months

and im so scared to listen.

im so scared to just take

the leap of faith.

im scared people will think

im not holy enough,

im not spiritual enough,

im not enough.

but HE is enough

and i have got to trust that.

my ministry has always

been behind the scenes.

i don't talk about a lot of the things

i do or the seeds i sew very much

because i feel like that is 

something that is between me

and god

and should mostly

remain that way.

lately i feel like god

is trying to move me into

different places and have me

take on new avenues.

i'm just scared. 

im also scarred.

certain situations from the past

have caused me to doubt myself

and doubt what i have heard 

from god.

i don't want to let

myself down.

i don't want to let god down.

and i can't do that anymore.

i can't waste anymore time.

i have to listen to what god is

saying and be obedient to

what he is asking of me.

i love him so much.

i love the way he loves.

i love his grace.

i love his presence.

i love the way he disciplines me.

i love the way he understands me.

i love him and want more of him.

i am setting these 21 days aside

to sacrifice.

i will pray diligently.

i will seek him.

i will be quiet and listen

for his voice.

i am going to do everything

in my power to get past this 

season and come out

exactly where i am supposed to be.

because there are so many people

out there that i must reach.

that i must show the love of god to.

that i must help.

that i must hug.

that i must love.

one time i was sitting next

to one of my students and he looked

at me and said, "mrs. burke,

you love god, huh?"

and i said, "yes baby, i love him tons

and i love that he loves me

enough to let me hang out with you

every single day."

and he said, "oh mrs. burke i love that too.

he's a pretty cool dude, huh?"

yes. he is a pretty 

cool dude.

the coolest.

and after all he's done for me

and those that are dear to me,

the least i can give is

21 days...

ash...