Tuesday, April 28, 2015

trusting god...

i've been thinking about this blog post.
i knew immediately that i would post about it.
i know some may not agree with that.
however, in the past few weeks,
blogs have provided support
and encouragement that i just didn't
get from other places. 

i also think that if this is a part of
my testimony,
it does no good kept inside.

with that being said,
i will start from the beginning.

shane and i have been trying to have a baby.
for (what feels like to me)
 a while.
i'm surrounded by people that
get pregnant just by washing underwear together.
because of this, 
i assumed getting pregnant would just
be so dang easy.

it wasn't.

my heart breaks for people that have 
struggled and will struggle 
with infertility for years.
i don't know how you endure 
that agony for a long period of time.
those will forever be in my 
daily prayers.

so after trying to have a baby
and wanting a baby so bad
and dreaming of a baby
in my arms
and on shane's chest
and in a crib in our extra bedroom
that has just been a guest room
 long enough,

we got pregnant.

shane was over the moon.
and planning.

i on the other hand,
was guarded.
oh i wanted to rejoice.
i wanted to scream it from my rooftop.
i wanted to buy every single baby thing
i could get my hands on.

i've experienced some disappointments
with the big things in life
and i just couldn't do another one.
i took a million tests.

each time shane was like ash,
this is happening.
get excited.

so after oodles of tests over
many days,
i let myself go there.
i daydreamed about our baby.
i prayed over our baby.
i thought about our baby.
over and over again.

on monday morning,
april 6,
i woke up and had a tiny bit of blood.
(sorry tmi but necessary for the story)
my stomach was hurting a tiny bit too.
i googled those symptoms
and as soon as i read the first two lines,
i turned my phone off and told shane to pray.

i laid down on the sofa
and told myself this was nothing
and that i just needed to lay down.

in a matter of minutes,
the pain in my stomach became unbearable.
i went to the bathroom and 
saw the worst thing i've ever seen.

i panicked.
i started to freak.
a million thoughts flooded my head.
i thought, "i have to stop this from happening."
"what can i do?"
"this can't happen."

"god please don't take this
from me."

i felt like i heard god say,
"sit down ash.
this has to happen.
this has to be a part of your story.
this is my plan."

i sat down and sobbed.
i cried harder than i have ever
cried in  my life.
i said why more times than
i can count.
i hurt so bad.

shane came by the door
and begged to come in and
i just couldn't.
the girls were at the house
and i told him to bring them home.

while he was gone,
i called my mom.
we hadn't told a soul we were pregnant.
(i wanted to wait until i was 12 weeks.)
i said mom, "i think i'm losing my baby."
she said two words, "i'm coming."

she walked in the house,
straight to the bathroom,
laid hands on me and prayed.
there were no questions,
no comments.
just love.
and prayer.

yet another reason why she is
the absolute most amazing woman
on the planet. 

we lost the baby.

in a matter of minutes,
life went from the most
overwhelming joy
to the most intense pain.

the next two weeks were 
filled with a bazillion emotions.

why did this happen?
what did i do wrong?
how do you miss someone
you never met?
how do you love someone so
much in such a short period of time?
how does the world just go on
when i feel like i've lost
a piece of me?
will the hole ever be filled?
will i ever forget the trauma
of the physical part of it?

i can't answer any of those.
i don't have to.
this is my life.
this happened.
it was there and now it's gone.

i can tell you what i have
learned just in the past few weeks.

god is in control.
he can give something and take it back.
he can change the course of your life
in minutes.
he holds your world in the palm
of his hands.

he has a plan.
i always knew he had a plan.
i always knew this.

i never really trusted it.
i always felt like when i gave him
control, he made a mess of things.
so i always took it back.
(or so i thought)

but through this,
i have felt more peace than
i could ever explain to you.
peace in knowing that
our baby is his.
it was his when he gave it
and it is his now that it has been taken.

it's all his.
always has been
always will be.
no matter how much we fight that.
he may make a mess of things.
but there's a method to the madness.

there has been peace.
peace in knowing that 
i control NOTHING.
i can't fix anything.
i can't earn anything.
i can't work my way 
through anything.

when i am his,
i am submitted to him
in it all.

me being perfect or imperfect
won't do anything.
my mistakes or lack of mistakes,
won't change anything.

it's all his.
and he will do as he pleases.
for my GOOD.

that's another part i never got.
i always thought god was up there
trying to see how far he could push me.
trying to weigh me down until
i couldn't move anymore.

that's not him.
i have never felt his love
like i have felt through this.
he loves me so much.
so so much.
and i did nothing to earn it.
i am so unworthy.

he is doing all of this for a purpose.
i know that.
i know that more than i ever have.
he will fulfill his promises.
he will give me what i need.
he will comfort me more than
anyone on this earth can.

he will love me through
these emotions
and feelings
and thoughts
that i have never had.

and through this whole mess,
he will be the potter.
he will create something beautiful
out of me.
for his glory.

i exhausted myself.
i've been exhausting myself
for a long time.
i told shane that day,
"i am just so tired."
so tired from life.
so tired from trying to fix it all.
so tired of being disappointed.

so i have decided
to be tired.
to take my hands off of it.
all of it.
and just be.
just worship him.
just talk to him.
just trust him.

and to give him glory through
this whole thing.

this was the first time 
my husband couldn't save me.
my mom couldn't save me.
my friends couldn't save me.
my family couldn't save me.

i have an awesome support system
but no one has ever experienced this,
so i could only turn to god.
he was right there through the whole thing.

and usually there is anger.
and bitterness.
and doubt.
and fear.

this time,
i am trying so hard
to do it differently.

even when people have said
stupid things.
STUPID things.
the dumbest things.

(i'm not perfect i still have
to fight off the feeling of 
wanting to shank people.)

so anyway,
now that i've typed a novel,
i need to wrap this up.

that little bit of pain in my heart
from that morning
may never go away.
and that's okay.

i know the peace keeper.
his name is jesus.
i trust him.

man that feels good to say
and to really mean.
i trust him.

it's all his.
my hands are off.
(i hope they stay off.
simmer down OCD.)
i am a work in progress.
i am just learning through this all.

there are two scriptures 
that have come to me
through so many devotions and studies
in the past year
and they are what i continue to tell myself,

isaiah 45:9
does the clay say to the potter,
what are you making?
does your work say,
he has no hands?

romans 9:20-21
shall what is formed say
to him who formed it,
"why did you make me like this?"
does not the potter have the right
to make out of the same lump
of clay some pottery for noble
purposes and some for common use?

that's his word.
that's all i need.
i'm learning that.

i'm learning that it's all been
there all along.
i just didn't trust it.

now i do.

can't wait to see how it ends.
it will all be for his glory.
that much i know.


1 comment:

  1. I cried for you my friend and pray that His peace and love will be felt. I can't even begin to know how you are feeling in this situation but I do know what it's like to long for something, watch others around you get it, and ask God why? I will pray for you and that God's perfect will will come in His perfect time and in the waiting you experience His overwhelming love.