trusting god...

i've been thinking about this blog post.

i knew immediately that i would post about it.

i know some may not agree with that.

however, in the past few weeks,

blogs have provided support

and encouragement that i just didn't

get from other places. 

i also think that if this is a part of

my testimony,

it does no good kept inside.

with that being said,

i will start from the beginning.

shane and i have been trying to have a baby.

for (what feels like to me)

 a while.

i'm surrounded by people that

get pregnant just by washing underwear together.

because of this, 

i assumed getting pregnant would just

be so dang easy.

it wasn't.

my heart breaks for people that have 

struggled and will struggle 

with infertility for years.

i don't know how you endure 

that agony for a long period of time.

those will forever be in my 

daily prayers.

so after trying to have a baby

and wanting a baby so bad

and dreaming of a baby

in my arms

and on shane's chest

and in a crib in our extra bedroom

that has just been a guest room

 long enough,

we got pregnant.

immediately,

shane was over the moon.

beaming.

thrilled.

and planning.

i on the other hand,

was guarded.

oh i wanted to rejoice.

i wanted to scream it from my rooftop.

i wanted to buy every single baby thing

i could get my hands on.

however,

i've experienced some disappointments

with the big things in life

and i just couldn't do another one.

i took a million tests.

each time shane was like ash,

this is happening.

get excited.

so after oodles of tests over

many days,

i let myself go there.

i daydreamed about our baby.

i prayed over our baby.

i thought about our baby.

over and over again.

on monday morning,

april 6,

i woke up and had a tiny bit of blood.

(sorry tmi but necessary for the story)

my stomach was hurting a tiny bit too.

i googled those symptoms

and as soon as i read the first two lines,

i turned my phone off and told shane to pray.

i laid down on the sofa

and told myself this was nothing

and that i just needed to lay down.

in a matter of minutes,

the pain in my stomach became unbearable.

i went to the bathroom and 

saw the worst thing i've ever seen.

i panicked.

i started to freak.

a million thoughts flooded my head.

i thought, "i have to stop this from happening."

"what can i do?"

"this can't happen."

"god please don't take this

from me."

i felt like i heard god say,

"sit down ash.

this has to happen.

this has to be a part of your story.

this is my plan."

i sat down and sobbed.

i cried harder than i have ever

cried in  my life.

i said why more times than

i can count.

i hurt so bad.

shane came by the door

and begged to come in and

i just couldn't.

the girls were at the house

and i told him to bring them home.

while he was gone,

i called my mom.

we hadn't told a soul we were pregnant.

(i wanted to wait until i was 12 weeks.)

i said mom, "i think i'm losing my baby."

she said two words, "i'm coming."

she walked in the house,

straight to the bathroom,

laid hands on me and prayed.

there were no questions,

no comments.

just love.

and prayer.

yet another reason why she is

the absolute most amazing woman

on the planet. 

we lost the baby.

in a matter of minutes,

life went from the most

overwhelming joy

to the most intense pain.

the next two weeks were 

filled with a bazillion emotions.

why did this happen?

what did i do wrong?

how do you miss someone

you never met?

how do you love someone so

much in such a short period of time?

how does the world just go on

when i feel like i've lost

a piece of me?

will the hole ever be filled?

will i ever forget the trauma

of the physical part of it?

why?

i can't answer any of those.

i don't have to.

this is my life.

this happened.

it was there and now it's gone.

i can tell you what i have

learned just in the past few weeks.

god is in control.

he can give something and take it back.

he can change the course of your life

in minutes.

he holds your world in the palm

of his hands.

he has a plan.

i always knew he had a plan.

i always knew this.

however, 

i never really trusted it.

i always felt like when i gave him

control, he made a mess of things.

so i always took it back.

(or so i thought)

but through this,

i have felt more peace than

i could ever explain to you.

peace in knowing that

our baby is his.

it was his when he gave it

and it is his now that it has been taken.

it's all his.

always has been

always will be.

no matter how much we fight that.

he may make a mess of things.

but there's a method to the madness.

there has been peace.

peace in knowing that 

i control NOTHING.

i can't fix anything.

i can't earn anything.

i can't work my way 

through anything.

when i am his,

i am submitted to him

in it all.

me being perfect or imperfect

won't do anything.

my mistakes or lack of mistakes,

won't change anything.

it's all his.

and he will do as he pleases.

for my GOOD.

that's another part i never got.

i always thought god was up there

trying to see how far he could push me.

trying to weigh me down until

i couldn't move anymore.

that's not him.

i have never felt his love

like i have felt through this.

he loves me so much.

so so much.

and i did nothing to earn it.

i am so unworthy.

he is doing all of this for a purpose.

i know that.

i know that more than i ever have.

he will fulfill his promises.

he will give me what i need.

he will comfort me more than

anyone on this earth can.

he will love me through

these emotions

and feelings

and thoughts

that i have never had.

and through this whole mess,

he will be the potter.

he will create something beautiful

out of me.

for his glory.

i exhausted myself.

i've been exhausting myself

for a long time.

i told shane that day,

"i am just so tired."

so tired from life.

so tired from trying to fix it all.

so tired of being disappointed.

so i have decided

to be tired.

to take my hands off of it.

all of it.

and just be.

just worship him.

just talk to him.

just trust him.

and to give him glory through

this whole thing.

this was the first time 

my husband couldn't save me.

my mom couldn't save me.

my friends couldn't save me.

my family couldn't save me.

i have an awesome support system

but no one has ever experienced this,

so i could only turn to god.

he was right there through the whole thing.

and usually there is anger.

and bitterness.

and doubt.

and fear.

this time,

i am trying so hard

to do it differently.

even when people have said

stupid things.

STUPID things.

the dumbest things.

(i'm not perfect i still have

to fight off the feeling of 

wanting to shank people.)

so anyway,

now that i've typed a novel,

i need to wrap this up.

that little bit of pain in my heart

from that morning

may never go away.

and that's okay.

i know the peace keeper.

his name is jesus.

i trust him.

man that feels good to say

and to really mean.

i trust him.

it's all his.

my hands are off.

(i hope they stay off.

simmer down OCD.)

i am a work in progress.

i am just learning through this all.

there are two scriptures 

that have come to me

through so many devotions and studies

in the past year

and they are what i continue to tell myself,

daily.

isaiah 45:9

does the clay say to the potter,

what are you making?

does your work say,

he has no hands?

romans 9:20-21

shall what is formed say

to him who formed it,

"why did you make me like this?"

does not the potter have the right

to make out of the same lump

of clay some pottery for noble

purposes and some for common use?

that's his word.

that's all i need.

i'm learning that.

i'm learning that it's all been

there all along.

i just didn't trust it.

now i do.

can't wait to see how it ends.

it will all be for his glory.

that much i know.

ash...