crushed bones...

i have had this blog post brewing for about a week.

i struggle with blogging genuinely

and getting all deep because it makes you vulnerable

and seriously, who likes being vulnerable?

i surely don't.

it's like being emotionally naked.

and, to me, no naked is good naked.

lol.

but i've been feeling so many things about

a scripture i read last tuesday and i just have to share.

maybe someone else needs this too.

last tuesday my devotion took me to psalms 51.

psalms 51 is one i have read loads of times. 

it is probably most recognized by verse 10:

"create in me a pure heart, o God and 

renew a steadfast spirit within me."

but, as i read psalms 51 that morning,

 verse 8 overwhelmed me.

"let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones

you have crushed rejoice."

i read it over and over and over again.

i knew immediately it was for me.

how powerful are those words,

"let the bones you have crushed rejoice."

you see God loves us so very much.

he loves us infinitely 

more than we could ever fathom.

because he loves us, 

he must discipline us.

he must mold us.

he must allow both the good and the bad

to happen in our lives.

sometimes,

that means breaking a few bones.

not always literally.

because, if that were the case,

the church would be filled with people in casts.

but figuratively.

he breaks us.

he breaks down 

our dreams.

our hopes.

our character.

our desires.

our motives.

our intentions.

our relationships.

our selfishness.

our sin.

and i am the kind of person,

that when i become broken,

when things become broken,

and i feel he has allowed it,

i get angry.

i doubt.

i worry.

i get bitter.

i complain.

i grieve.

i build up walls.

i pull away.

i ask why.

now i know all of you super holy people

out there are beyond all those emotions.

but, for the rest of us,

it is a hard place to be in.

lately,

god has been breaking me.

breaking my life.

i do not at all mean that in a

depressed, negative way.

things are just shifting.

he is showing me what's really in me.

he is dealing with things

that have gone untouched for a while.

he is trying to mold me.

he is trying to bring me to the next level.

and this, verse 8 is what i need the most help with.

i need to recognize that my father in heaven

has my back.

has my best interest at heart.

only wants the best for me.

and has plans for myself and my family

far beyond what i could ever imagine

or create myself.

i need to let the 

breaking of the bones happen.

his way.

and then i need to rejoice.

i need to trust him enough to feel joy

in those situations.

joy because he loves me enough to change me.

to break me.

joy because he is making me the best

version of myself in order to be used by him.

joy because if i really was in control,

i'd screw it up. so bad.

and i'd miss all the amazing things 

that are a part of his plan.

i thought i was in the season of breaking.

right after i had the baby.

i thought the sickness

and then the two procedures

while still recovering from the section

and trying to care for and feed

my new baby were the tests

of my faith.

and i'm not gonna lie,

in my eyes,

i handled those like a champ.

i cried twice in the midst of it all.

(like that's some kind of measure. ha.)

and i didn't complain. (much)

and i rejoiced.

and i did way way way better

than i normally do in overwhelming

circumstances.

and then the devil thought.

okay that didn't work like i had planned.

and things began to shift.

the breaking really started.

and once again,

it showed that there is still

so much more work to be done

in this heart of mine.

i'm learning what this heart is really made of.

again.

and boy, does it ever need some jesus.

and verse 8.

that's the work that needs doing.

when the bones start breaking,

i need to rejoice.

we got hit with a health scare

for scarlett.

a syndrome was thrown out there

and we were referred to a couple

of specialists.

and the doubt hit.

and the worry hit.

and the anger hit.

i became a stay at home mom

who isn't succeeding

(in my eyes)

as well as i thought i would

and the frustration hit.

and the stress hit.

and the anger hit.

and life threw out some other

random things, as it does.

and god allowed them,

as he should.

(he's in charge for a reason, isn't he.)

and i reacted very much

not like verse 8 instructs us to.

but god knows what needs changing,

so he directed me to that verse

in my devotion and i have been

thinking about it all week.

and i want to do better.

i want to be like my mom.

when something happens

that is bigger than her.

when the breaking starts.

the first thing

she always says,

"all is well."

she's got verse 8 down.

i want to teach my baby girl

that when the breaking starts,

we have to praise him.

because he's got it.

we have to trust the breaking

and know that it is happening

to show us what we are made of.

to mold us into who he has created us to be.

and, most of all, to break it down

so he can build it back up

for his glory.

so i put that part of the verse

on my lightbox

and it is where i will see it everyday.

and i am determined to work on it.

i'm sure it will take a while.

i've been told i'm a bit stubborn.

but i will do my best

to rejoice.

ash...