Sunday, October 30, 2016

the day that changed everything...

scarlett's birthday.
how do you even begin to tell the story
of the biggest day of your life.
i've wanted to blog about this for months.
here we are,
almost nine months later and i'm still not
quite sure how to tell the tale of this day.

we knew scarlett would have to be born via c-section
a couple of weeks before her birth.
there were circumstances out of our control
and we were advised that the safest way
for her to be born was a c-section. 

i did not want my desires to experience birth differently
or my fears of surgery cause us to be faced
with some kind of emergency situation
instead of a controlled one, so i agreed.

it was scheduled for february 8, 2016 at 5pm.
i barely slept the night before because of nerves
mixed with oodles of excitement and anticipation.
we got up for the day and immediately began talking
about what was ahead.

we laid on the couch for a while and i watched "i love lucy"
while dozing on and off.
eventually, i showered and put on some make up
to avoid scaring my poor girl the minute she met me.
we took one last baby bump pic and we headed to the hospital.

i was so at peace all day and really wasn't feeling very nervous.
once we arrived at the hospital, things moved very quickly.
they started asking lots of questions and hooking me up
to an IV and poking and prodding.

the nerves kicked in.

my mom and dad met us there and, slowly, 
more family and friends
began to trickle in.

soon they ushered everyone out of the room
and gave me my spinal and wheeled me to the OR.
i will spare you all of the details of the 
spinal and its three failed attempts.
in a word: awful.

once in the OR,
it became very clear that i was not yet numb
and was told if the pain was too intense
they would have to put me to sleep.
this caused me to panic inside because
the only thing i was worried about was 
being able to hold that girl
 and have skin to skin immediately
after she was born.

my body eventually went into shock,
shaking off the table,
and the pain wasn't as bad.

the whole thing felt like a complete out of body experience.
i literally felt like i was watching it play out.
they kept asking me questions on how i was feeling,
if i was cold,
if i was okay,
and my answer was always, "i don't know."
it was the weirdest thing.

all that was going through my head was,
"please be alive. please be alive. please be alive." 
i know that sounds crazy but once you
have the physical experience of losing a baby.
it is a trauma like no other and the only 
thing you can think is,
"please god, let this one come out alive."

after loads of pulling and pushing i heard my doc say, "vacuum."
and then the assisting doc say, "i got her."
and my mom squeal and say, "there she is."
and just like that,
little miss scarlett mirabella burke
was born.

she came out as feisty as anything
screaming and crying
and it was the absolute most beautiful sound
my soul has ever heard.
i immediately started thinking, 
"thank you jesus, thank you jesus, thank you jesus."

i waited for them to throw her over the curtain so
i could take a peek at her and that never happened.
my mom and shane immediately rushed to meet her
and i was left asking the anesthesiologist nurse guy
to tell me what she looked like and if she was okay.

i would have loved to have been right there
as shane met her for the first time
but that wasn't how life played out.
i am so grateful my mom got these pics.
i can't imagine what he was thinking.
this guy who wanted nothing to do
with ever having kids and then had a desire
for one so fiercely.
man i wish i coulda been in that brain.

so once all the surgery stuff was done,
shane finally came over with my tiny angel
and i could not see that girl.

i was beginning to get super frustrated.
i don't know if it was the drugs or the angle i was laying
and the angle he was standing but i could not see her.

they moved me to a new bed
and shane finally finally finally
put her in my arms.

and then…
life completely changed.
nothing i knew was the same.
nothing i felt was the same.
it was the most overwhelming, amazing,
fulfilling, joyous moment of my life.

it's weird because it feels like it's supposed to be the most
intimate moment of your life and you have
to experience it in the most un-intimate setting
with so many people around.

when i held her all i could think was that
it felt like i had known her my entire life.
i felt so connected to her.
i felt like i could never ever be without her.
i felt like i would lay my life on the line for her
if it meant she would experience a moment of happiness.
i felt like oh my god she is mine and she always will be.
there are just so many feelings at that moment.

i remember thinking, "is this how much god loves me?"
my entire pregnancy my mom would tell me
that my views about god were going to change so much
once i had the baby.
she told me that i would never look at god the same
once i felt the love i had for my child.

i couldn't even fathom love like this before scarlett.
i didn't realize the love you have for something you created.
something you carried inside you.

and god loves us infinitely more.
how do you even wrap your mind around that?
how did i ever, for one second, doubt his love for me?

as soon as i started to fall apart in that hospital bed,
they wheeled me into the hall and i couldn't believe what i saw.
there were between 30 and 40 people all in the hall
to meet lil momma.

it was so overwhelming.
i was still so out of it and trying to soak up
the moment with my baby.
i was so emotional.
everyone outside was thrilled.
scarlett's eyes were as big as they could be.
she was just looking around at every face
and taking it all in.
everyone kept commenting on those big eyes
and how alert she was.
i just kept apologizing because i was so overwhelmed.

they wheeled us to our room and we had one hour alone with her.
it was the most precious hour of my life.
shane and i were in awe of her and the fact that we made her.
and in the back of my mind,
all i could think about was god.
and how in the world did he think i deserved this.
and how he had entrusted me with her care.
and how i would do everything in my power
to not screw it up.

and i can't lie,
i thought about our first baby a few times
and the fact that i would never get to hold
he/she close to my heart like that.
and after all these months,
i've learned that thoughts of that baby will pop up
often and unexpectedly.
and i think them and feel the feelings that come with them
and then look at my sweet girl and just
feel thankful for the gift in front of me.

the next few hours are a blur.
i ended up getting pretty sick and they
had to give me something for nausea
so i was pretty out of it for a few hours.
we had lots of visitors and scarlett had her first bath.

well that is baby girl's birthday story.
no words could ever do it justice.
just wanted to document it on this little blog.

still so grateful that i was given the opportunity
 to experience something like this.
an so thankful that she is mine.

best day ever…

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